Why I am no Longer Afraid of Christmas
I used to be afraid of Christmas. In fact, all major holidays terrified me. Any event that happened on a reoccurring basis. I hated them all.
This was brought on by an aversion to the transience of time. Each day was tough enough to go by without achieving what I thought I should have achieved based on what everyone else in the world seemed to be doing. Christmas and whatnot just acted as a more prominent measure of how bad I was at this whole life thing. “A whole year has gone by? Really?!”, I would say to myself as I contemplated sourly what resembled a single day’s worth of progress. It felt like I was constantly falling short. Meanwhile people all around me seemed to have had a wonderfully smooth and progressive year, jubilant to see it pass by and welcome the next with a warm embrace while I moped by myself in the corner.
As a child I itched to be an actor. I remember looking up my idols on the internet and finding out how old they were by the time they had been in their first television show, or when they started going to auditions. Most often they had been at it since their infant years, and so you can imagine I was feeling a lot of pressure as I was already 12, in a small town school and had no sign of entering show business anytime soon. Whenever my birthday came around I’d be devastated that my fate didn’t seem to be lining up to that of the Sprouse Twins or Adam Sandler as I had anticipated.
For the holidays, all I ever wanted to do was be somewhere far away from home working on a big job that made my ego feel good. My most recent birthday was the best I can remember. Not because of any gifts or partying that went with it, I’ve just been learning to be okay with time moving... and for the first time in a while I can say I’m pretty okay with Christmas being just around the corner too.
“What will be left of all the fearing and wanting associated with your problematic life situation that every day takes up most of your attention? A dash, one or two inches long, between the date of birth and date of death on your gravestone.”
― Eckhart Tolle
I’m coming around to the idea that my path may not look like that of others, and that it’s okay for me to be where I am at this particular time in my life. It’s easy to be fooled into believing that there is a rigid way we’re supposed to live and act in the world, and that’s what takes away from the peaceful, organic element of our path. We ought to let it unfold as it does, for the journey is perpetually in bloom whether we like it or not!